A man says to his friend,
“I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.”
The friend says, “Why not?”
The man says, “I don’t like to interrupt her.”
There’s a guy sitting at a bar, just looking at his drink.
He stays like that for half an hour. Soon, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him takes the drink from the guy and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying.
The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand seeing a man crying.”
“No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I’m late to the office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen.”
“The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar.”
“And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drank my poison.”
My wife: You need to do more chores around the house.
Me: Can we change the subject?
My wife: Okay. More chores around the house need to be done by you.
Boss: Do you think you can come in on Saturday? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Employee: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as public transport on weekends is slow.
Boss: What time will you get here?
Employee: Monday.
God’s watching…
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: ‘Take only ONE . God is watching.’
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, ‘Take all you want. God is watching the apples’.
A grandmother is giving directions to her grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.
“You come to the front door of the apartments. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I buzz you in. Come inside and elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push third floor. When you get out, I’m on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell. OK?”
“Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?”
“What… You’re coming empty-handed?”
